It's fucking cold, I stayed up late completing a project that my laptop successfully gobbled up. So much for sleepless nights! My eyes are smarting, I have to do another sleepless night today to work on the project again and as if that's not enough, I older today. Ok, maybe that's not such a bad thing but I shall rant as I please whether I mean it or not..........
Anyhow, just wanted to say:
Happy fucking birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*blowing out candles then sighing sadly*
P.S: Don't you dare tell me to think positive!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Truth
It's funny how sometimes we lose sight of ourselves, completely forgetting who we are, seemingly over burdened by duty, too busy running far far away in the opposite direction from where we ought to be headed.......... Well, that's a story for another day. Today, I just want to learn about healing and letting go, to know whether taking the risk to face your worst fear and having that fear confirmed still makes the venture worthwhile.........
The pain is great, overwhelming and I'm far too afraid to feel it. He says to let the pain just wash over you and soon the healing will come. I wish I could do that but it's not merely a ripple, this pain, it comes harshly, without apology like angry waves and I can not let myself be swept away. I have to stand and fight for all I'm worth. Alone. Silently summoning whatever is left of my strength..........
I finally faced that fear and trusted him completely, I wonder now if that was a curse in disguise. No, he didn't mean to hurt me because even against his better judgement, he loves me completely. No, he didn't mean to but he did. It cannot be helped, it can not be undone. All I have left is my solitude and my strength, waging war against this angry tide
The pain is great, overwhelming and I'm far too afraid to feel it. He says to let the pain just wash over you and soon the healing will come. I wish I could do that but it's not merely a ripple, this pain, it comes harshly, without apology like angry waves and I can not let myself be swept away. I have to stand and fight for all I'm worth. Alone. Silently summoning whatever is left of my strength..........
I finally faced that fear and trusted him completely, I wonder now if that was a curse in disguise. No, he didn't mean to hurt me because even against his better judgement, he loves me completely. No, he didn't mean to but he did. It cannot be helped, it can not be undone. All I have left is my solitude and my strength, waging war against this angry tide
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Drama in real life part 1: The strip tease
I didn't really intend to do it, I mean, it's not like I thought he was serious or anything but it happened.......
We've known each other forever, he and I. I used to think he was proud back in the day and because I am proud, I couldn't be bothered to talk to him. That plus the fact that the girls were all over him like a rash. There was no way I was going to be part of that madding crowd........ Anyhow, as it happened, I was depressed because some sick demented bastard had broken my heart (no, he didn't dump me, or cheat on me so y'all can relax) and this guy, lets call him Creed, was there. It was one of those rare moments when you can be able to talk to anyone, even a stranger, without the fear of that weakness that comes with sharing pain and hurt and loss. Creed was there and I just talked and talked and talked. It was afternoon when I started talking, next thing I knew when I looked around, everything was pitch black: about 9 pm in the night. I couldn't believe myself. Hmmm.... so much for my reputation as an unfeeling bitch. I had let myself go!
I comforted myself with the thought that it was just that once off incident and it wouldn't happen again. The memory of it was great though, calming like the smell of warm bread or fresh laundry. It was amazing how easy it was to talk, with so little to explain and yet to be understood completely; to be identified with as opposed to being looked at in awe or misapprehension. We were not going to talk again I thought, so I just savoured the memory of it.
To cut the long story short, we talked. Again and again and again, until this arrogant, self obsessed, witty, insufferable, funny, proud guy had carved his own niche in my heart. I guess he'd be the equivalent of a best friend if there ever was such a thing but for me he was just Creed, a man who embodied a lot I had been searching for for a while......... Ok, that came out wrong but you know what I'm saying.
Fast forward to the present: In his office a couple of days ago, horny as hell and trying my hardest to focus on this project we were supposed to be finalizing. You guessed it, it didn't work. He's laughing at me the whole time, coming up with a ridiculous list of names of guys he thinks should get me laid. I ask him why he's making all these suggestions, is he too chicken to do it himself? He says of course not, how could I even think that? I look at him and laugh, not really sure whether he's playing or not. He looks at me and tells me how he knows I think he's kidding and if I just locked the door he'd prove me wrong. I head to the door and lock it, more out of curiosity than faith in what he's saying and wait......... He's quietly clearing his desk and I think, are we actually doing this? On his desk? When he's done, he looks up at me and tells me to strip. I say WTF?! I'll do it after you. He gets into this whole tedious monologue about how guys are and how they need visual stimulation, blah, blah, blah..... I'm not interested. I say ok, enough with that. Take your shirt off, I'll take everything off. He asks me whether I mean that and I think: This is his office, the chances of him actually doing it here are close to nil so I take my chances.
"Yeah, I mean it"
"Ok, cool"
He starts to take it off and his boss knocks on the door
Shit! talk about bad timing.
I unlock the door, boss enters eyeing us suspiciously. I'm struggling not to laugh and Creed is giving me this look that says if I laughed, that would be the end of me.
Boss walks out finally, I'm doubled over in laughter, I can't help myself.
I look at the clock, it's late and my boss is expecting me to hand in a whole bunch of work. I have to run.
"Look who's the chicken now, look who's running. See, I knew you were full of hot air."
I know he's teasing me but I want to prove him wrong anyway, make him eat his words.
"Choose the day and time, your place, I'll show you I wasn't kidding."
I watch him, waiting to hear what he'll say.
"You don't have to prove anything to me, I know want your limits are."
He has that smile on his face like he knows I'm going to jump right at his bait; I do.
"Maybe you're in for a suprise then."
He sets the date and I head out, half hoping it's all a joke but knowing full well I've gotten myself into a complicated fix with this man.
The day finally comes. I realise in the morning that my underwear is no where near sexy. Yuck! I think, pity everything is so practical....... I make mental note to upgrade soon and head out. I'm busy the whole day, running up and down doing a colourful combination of errands and almost entirely forgetting about our "date". I meet his girl, Liesl, late in the afternoon and we catch up on all the gossip and irrelevant details of our lives. I'm so absorbed talking to her, I forget I have to leave. I look at the time and I should have been at his place five minutes earlier. Ooops! I run out, trying to text him and explain the whole time. Then I get a genius idea: Food! Look for the nearest restaurant that has his fave meal, order, wait impatiently as they prepare it then head out again. Seems like there's a jam so the taxis to his place are not in the park. WTF? I take a bike (brilliant invention, that).
I get to his home finally, shivering but thrilled from the windy ride. We talk about nothing and everything as usual, as he eats (it worked, he forgot I was late). Finally, I'm tired of waiting and tell him, if we're going to do it we should do it already........
He looks up at me and laughs then says sarcastically how he thought it was a social call and what's with the rush?
An arguement ensuses til he finally relents and takes it off. Hmmmm....... The view was not bad at all, nothing like some eye candy on a cold night. He has a tattoo, one I didn't know about. It's cute and very him. I touch it a little, perhaps overly enjoying the feel of his skin then force myself to snap out of it.
He asks if he can have his shirt back, I wonder what the urgency is, it's not like he has somewhere else to be....... He shrugs and says nothing. I keep looking, drinking him in. Finally, he tells me it's my turn, I had forgotten and now the tension starts to mount...... I can't let him see that I'm nervous but no, I don't want music, just to have it over and done with. He laughs and says ok.
I start to unbutton the top, keeping my eyes on his, knowing if I turn away, I'll probably lose my nerve. I wonder if he's thinking of her, his girl, Liesl....... The top is off, I throw it and he catches it without breaking eye contact. The skirt comes off next, I throw it and he catches that too. Suddenly, the room is small and the air is cold and I realise like the Eve of old, that I am naked. He asks me to turn around. I do. Once. Twice.
I pray that the ground swallows me, I pray that he is struck with blindness. Nothing. I sit on his bed and start to talk, about how stupid I feel for doing this and how I want to just curl up and die. He laughs and motions with his hand for me to come and lie beside him. I don't budge.
"Come and curl up here."
"I want my clothes back."
"You have about, lets see, 27 minutes left. I was timing when my shirt was off..."
I balk at the thought of curling up with him, yet it's oddly appealing at the same time.
I am like a frightened child, perhaps because he knows me so well and can see right through me. I laugh at how different it would have been if it was any random guy.
I feel my body stirring to life, waking slowly. I sigh, snuggle deeper in his arms. He asks what I'm thinking.
"It's complicated."
"I want know"
"I don't think so"
"Tell me"
I sigh again
"No"
"Please"
Silence. It is loud and yet so quiet.
"Tell me what you're thinking instead"
"I'm wondering whether to tell you your time is up or not"
I laugh
"I guess you already have"
I look at him, he sighs
"Bummer"
I sit up, he's watching me
"I have to head home. It's late"
I stand up, he's watching me
Grab my clothes, wear my skirt, then my top. He's watching me
"What's so complicated?"
I look at him, waring with myself and decide to tell him
I open my mouth, no words come out
My thoughts are running everywhere: Liesl, him, friendship, me, bodies, honesty, Liesl.......
I speak, I sound choked
"I want you like fucking crazy right now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry......"
My voice fades out into a whisper and I cover my face with my hands.
He laughs sympathetically and then says
" I have two questions"
To be continued.............
We've known each other forever, he and I. I used to think he was proud back in the day and because I am proud, I couldn't be bothered to talk to him. That plus the fact that the girls were all over him like a rash. There was no way I was going to be part of that madding crowd........ Anyhow, as it happened, I was depressed because some sick demented bastard had broken my heart (no, he didn't dump me, or cheat on me so y'all can relax) and this guy, lets call him Creed, was there. It was one of those rare moments when you can be able to talk to anyone, even a stranger, without the fear of that weakness that comes with sharing pain and hurt and loss. Creed was there and I just talked and talked and talked. It was afternoon when I started talking, next thing I knew when I looked around, everything was pitch black: about 9 pm in the night. I couldn't believe myself. Hmmm.... so much for my reputation as an unfeeling bitch. I had let myself go!
I comforted myself with the thought that it was just that once off incident and it wouldn't happen again. The memory of it was great though, calming like the smell of warm bread or fresh laundry. It was amazing how easy it was to talk, with so little to explain and yet to be understood completely; to be identified with as opposed to being looked at in awe or misapprehension. We were not going to talk again I thought, so I just savoured the memory of it.
To cut the long story short, we talked. Again and again and again, until this arrogant, self obsessed, witty, insufferable, funny, proud guy had carved his own niche in my heart. I guess he'd be the equivalent of a best friend if there ever was such a thing but for me he was just Creed, a man who embodied a lot I had been searching for for a while......... Ok, that came out wrong but you know what I'm saying.
Fast forward to the present: In his office a couple of days ago, horny as hell and trying my hardest to focus on this project we were supposed to be finalizing. You guessed it, it didn't work. He's laughing at me the whole time, coming up with a ridiculous list of names of guys he thinks should get me laid. I ask him why he's making all these suggestions, is he too chicken to do it himself? He says of course not, how could I even think that? I look at him and laugh, not really sure whether he's playing or not. He looks at me and tells me how he knows I think he's kidding and if I just locked the door he'd prove me wrong. I head to the door and lock it, more out of curiosity than faith in what he's saying and wait......... He's quietly clearing his desk and I think, are we actually doing this? On his desk? When he's done, he looks up at me and tells me to strip. I say WTF?! I'll do it after you. He gets into this whole tedious monologue about how guys are and how they need visual stimulation, blah, blah, blah..... I'm not interested. I say ok, enough with that. Take your shirt off, I'll take everything off. He asks me whether I mean that and I think: This is his office, the chances of him actually doing it here are close to nil so I take my chances.
"Yeah, I mean it"
"Ok, cool"
He starts to take it off and his boss knocks on the door
Shit! talk about bad timing.
I unlock the door, boss enters eyeing us suspiciously. I'm struggling not to laugh and Creed is giving me this look that says if I laughed, that would be the end of me.
Boss walks out finally, I'm doubled over in laughter, I can't help myself.
I look at the clock, it's late and my boss is expecting me to hand in a whole bunch of work. I have to run.
"Look who's the chicken now, look who's running. See, I knew you were full of hot air."
I know he's teasing me but I want to prove him wrong anyway, make him eat his words.
"Choose the day and time, your place, I'll show you I wasn't kidding."
I watch him, waiting to hear what he'll say.
"You don't have to prove anything to me, I know want your limits are."
He has that smile on his face like he knows I'm going to jump right at his bait; I do.
"Maybe you're in for a suprise then."
He sets the date and I head out, half hoping it's all a joke but knowing full well I've gotten myself into a complicated fix with this man.
The day finally comes. I realise in the morning that my underwear is no where near sexy. Yuck! I think, pity everything is so practical....... I make mental note to upgrade soon and head out. I'm busy the whole day, running up and down doing a colourful combination of errands and almost entirely forgetting about our "date". I meet his girl, Liesl, late in the afternoon and we catch up on all the gossip and irrelevant details of our lives. I'm so absorbed talking to her, I forget I have to leave. I look at the time and I should have been at his place five minutes earlier. Ooops! I run out, trying to text him and explain the whole time. Then I get a genius idea: Food! Look for the nearest restaurant that has his fave meal, order, wait impatiently as they prepare it then head out again. Seems like there's a jam so the taxis to his place are not in the park. WTF? I take a bike (brilliant invention, that).
I get to his home finally, shivering but thrilled from the windy ride. We talk about nothing and everything as usual, as he eats (it worked, he forgot I was late). Finally, I'm tired of waiting and tell him, if we're going to do it we should do it already........
He looks up at me and laughs then says sarcastically how he thought it was a social call and what's with the rush?
An arguement ensuses til he finally relents and takes it off. Hmmmm....... The view was not bad at all, nothing like some eye candy on a cold night. He has a tattoo, one I didn't know about. It's cute and very him. I touch it a little, perhaps overly enjoying the feel of his skin then force myself to snap out of it.
He asks if he can have his shirt back, I wonder what the urgency is, it's not like he has somewhere else to be....... He shrugs and says nothing. I keep looking, drinking him in. Finally, he tells me it's my turn, I had forgotten and now the tension starts to mount...... I can't let him see that I'm nervous but no, I don't want music, just to have it over and done with. He laughs and says ok.
I start to unbutton the top, keeping my eyes on his, knowing if I turn away, I'll probably lose my nerve. I wonder if he's thinking of her, his girl, Liesl....... The top is off, I throw it and he catches it without breaking eye contact. The skirt comes off next, I throw it and he catches that too. Suddenly, the room is small and the air is cold and I realise like the Eve of old, that I am naked. He asks me to turn around. I do. Once. Twice.
I pray that the ground swallows me, I pray that he is struck with blindness. Nothing. I sit on his bed and start to talk, about how stupid I feel for doing this and how I want to just curl up and die. He laughs and motions with his hand for me to come and lie beside him. I don't budge.
"Come and curl up here."
"I want my clothes back."
"You have about, lets see, 27 minutes left. I was timing when my shirt was off..."
I balk at the thought of curling up with him, yet it's oddly appealing at the same time.
I am like a frightened child, perhaps because he knows me so well and can see right through me. I laugh at how different it would have been if it was any random guy.
I feel my body stirring to life, waking slowly. I sigh, snuggle deeper in his arms. He asks what I'm thinking.
"It's complicated."
"I want know"
"I don't think so"
"Tell me"
I sigh again
"No"
"Please"
Silence. It is loud and yet so quiet.
"Tell me what you're thinking instead"
"I'm wondering whether to tell you your time is up or not"
I laugh
"I guess you already have"
I look at him, he sighs
"Bummer"
I sit up, he's watching me
"I have to head home. It's late"
I stand up, he's watching me
Grab my clothes, wear my skirt, then my top. He's watching me
"What's so complicated?"
I look at him, waring with myself and decide to tell him
I open my mouth, no words come out
My thoughts are running everywhere: Liesl, him, friendship, me, bodies, honesty, Liesl.......
I speak, I sound choked
"I want you like fucking crazy right now and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry......"
My voice fades out into a whisper and I cover my face with my hands.
He laughs sympathetically and then says
" I have two questions"
To be continued.............
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Flustered and frustrated.... Or maybe not
I have a story. One on stupidity, raging hormones, best friends and taken men. Unfortunately, my boss suddenly remembered I existed and I have to work! It's sooooo unnatural. The story therefore has to keep......... Hope I'm not too bored to write it when I actually get the time.
Question for you guys though: Would you ever ask a friend for the go ahead to sleep with her HOT!!!!!!!!!! man if you are just too honest to go behind her back?
P.S: The guy in this case is only too willing........ Not that I'm complaining or anything
Question for you guys though: Would you ever ask a friend for the go ahead to sleep with her HOT!!!!!!!!!! man if you are just too honest to go behind her back?
P.S: The guy in this case is only too willing........ Not that I'm complaining or anything
Monday, July 7, 2008
My immortal
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave'
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
by EVANESCENCE
For Mon Bijoux, who sometimes lingers when I wish him away. I loved him, oh, so dearly! Maybe, I still do.........
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave'
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
by EVANESCENCE
For Mon Bijoux, who sometimes lingers when I wish him away. I loved him, oh, so dearly! Maybe, I still do.........
Life
Crippled by our own inadequacies
We fail to express
With the very breath
That we possess
The depth of our pain and suffering.........
We lie still with no will
To feel
And reel back
Into time
Where there was no grime
And perhaps the chime
Of dime clocks
Repeled the ghosts
That now haunt our thoughts........
We fail to realise
That God can utilise
The pain that we hide
And bind our battered sides.
We fail to express
With the very breath
That we possess
The depth of our pain and suffering.........
We lie still with no will
To feel
And reel back
Into time
Where there was no grime
And perhaps the chime
Of dime clocks
Repeled the ghosts
That now haunt our thoughts........
We fail to realise
That God can utilise
The pain that we hide
And bind our battered sides.
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