Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Before the vultures come circling

I know now, even as I search through my rusty, cobwebbed writer's mind for words to spin this tale, it will not come together the way I plan. The truth often is that way, rarely doing the big thing and giving us a heads up before it comes in – guns blazing.
Now, how can I begin to tell you this tragic story of the madness in my head? I know it's too late to change anything and the future is fast becoming present. I should have screamed from the very start. I should have yelled loudly at the top of my lungs; "Stop! Come back for me!" Except, how was I to know that the clock was ticking and my time was running out? Shit. I would have fought for you.
Today, for the first time, it dawns on me that I've lost you.
We are seated in that cafĂ© you really love, surrounded by strangers and familiar things… I am telling you the story of the waiter who couldn't get my order right and you are telling me about the weekend that was. We are talking over each other as usual, gesturing wildly, laughing heartily, using the strangers around us to illustrate our arguments; trying to figure out their stories…
Somehow we come to talking about me and the new man in my life. How dramatically different he is from me, how so very little we have in common…
"Don't ever settle", you say.
I try to convince you of his awesomeness, his kindness, his intellect, wondering at the same time whether any of this is true considering how little I know him. I ask you about something you did and you're silent and then you change the topic like you didn't hear what I said. I laugh at that because that's exactly what I knew you would do. No unnecessary confrontation if you can help it.
My mind wanders involuntarily back to a time when you were still crazy for me. You and I in a badly parked car, headlights and radio on: scattered fragments of conversation punctuated by tender kisses and comfortable silences. We talked about staying up to watch the sunrise and I remember thinking you probably would've never left if the nosy watchman hadn't come along. I laugh at the memory, especially the horror on his face when he realized what he had interrupted. Our cheerful banter continues.
We're startled by how late it's gotten. We're both going to be late getting to the places we ought to be but still we linger. The walk to the stage is unhurried, like we have all the time in the world for pleasure and conversation.  I think back to when at the end of a day like this of hours spent together, we'd still have insanely long phone calls through the night. Sometimes, while we talked, I'd sit in the corridor leaning against the door because my laughter kept my roommate up. This, of course we don't do anymore. I guess it would be a strange habit to explain to your wife.
I silently curse bad timing and my dismal past for all my neurotic caution where I should have been falling blindly, madly. I wish I was selfish enough to tell you now and let it be your problem and not mine. I imagine it would be so easy amidst the forest of vaguely familiar perambulators, the blaring of car horns, screeching of brakes and hoarse voices of wild eyed conductors to say aloud, "It's you who makes me happy". Perhaps the banality of everything around us would make you deaf to my horrific confession. Instead, the lyrics of a song ring in my head
Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead."


Safyre said...

Hmm, I don't know how exactly to say 'no comment.' Can't seem to have words for that, because I've been told something like that by a rather brave lady. And I still don't know what to tell her!
Nicely put though. If only...

RAZ said...

yup,you're in deep doo doo...

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